Have no idea where this painting is going but I am definitely painting a hungry type of devil. Inspired by a journal entry: I have to let it go. I feel lost. I can move on. I said goodbye. I waved, criedand stepped forward. I know my future will have opportunities, but it’s too much and so overwhelming to choose which path is the right path. No more checks. My life is now. My life is this present moment. I am too stuck in the past. Am I losing myself? Am I not doing enough? And what am I not doing? I did way more hard work before. How did I do that? I don’t have the energy for that anymore. Am I not working because I have self doubt? Do I not trust myself? Have I lost my confidence? Am I too critical? I don’t know, but I feel like there’s something inside me that is hurting me. Stopping me. I feel like I can’t move forward anymore. I’m so tired. I thought it was such a big thing in my mind, and it wasn’t. It was just a house standing on land. But it wasn’t even a home that I knew because I didn’t even live there anymore. It had been rebuilt, and it wasn’t the same. Everything else was the same. I went to the bar. There were the same people, but no one recognised me, and I wanted it to be that way. I wanted them to recognise me, but hardly anyone did. The lady at the bar smiled. Maybe she did. One person came up to me, but I didn’t get any of the things that I thought I would any of the reactions, any of the trauma I had created. I feel like the past five years I’ve been living in the shadow of myself, which is a lie. This lie of an anxious person just being afraid to do things. But I’m not always afraid. In fact I’m quite brave.

2.5 weeks at the @rca_painting @royalcollegeofart

TW INFERTILITY

@rca_painting @royalcollegeofart I’m coming for you this September. Thank you to the RCA, especially for the partial Scholarship which has made this possible. As well as everyone who supported my application, and all those friends and chosen family who believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself. I love you. I’m so grateful to you. I’ve had a rough year, possibly some of the hardest moments of my life. And for this to happen has felt like a silver lining that I only saw in my dreams. To think a year ago in September I would have ended my life. To now, about to start dream course really does prove that life is worth living. The darkness can consume you. Luckily I had a chosen family and friends around me who helped me and literally saved my life. (Thank you - you know who you are). The universe can also give you signs. Here’s to the Buddhist at the bus stop who made me have faith in a bigger and better journey on the day things got really really bad. I don’t know who you are but thank you. To those struggling: The days will lighten. keep going. Things can change in ways you never imagine. Please do not give up. Ever. There is always darkness but the light will find a way through cracks. See you at the RCA 🤍